As part of a BEYOND Discovery Session with prospective codependent clients, I always ask them to tell me what’s going on in their life, right now. I need to get a sense of what their struggles are; what keeps them up at night with worry. So many times, I hear them say…
“He/she doesn’t think they have a problem.”
“He/she won’t get help.”
“He/she is not the same person I married.”
“He/she is …
I’m sure you can fill in the blank. Many end that part of our conversation with, “I honor my vow, till death do us part.”
I then ask, death of what? Which makes them a little off centered. Death of YOUR…
- Spouse (heaven forbid)?
You see, codependents often have a part of them die before another part can come to life. This can be a painful and confusing process because we don’t see ourselves as individuals. We’re an integral part of someone else, of something else.
I sustained a death of my values system. It came during a police stop for speeding. That stop woke me to the fact that the life I was fighting with every fiber of my being to keep alive, was no longer my shelter. I recognized the fact that I was doing things because it was expected of me, no one else wanted to do it. I was letting others determine my self-worth. I had these revelations before, but on this day – they mattered. I mattered!
No matter at what age you married, people change. People grow in knowledge, stature. Life events and trauma mold your thinking and being.
My coach and mentor, Mary Morrissey, says:
“We have a story, but we are not our story.
We have a history, but we are not our history.”
If you’re at the point in your life where you want to be true to your vows, but you want to know who YOU are beyond being their rescuer and savior, then I would like to invite you to your very own BEYOND Discovery Session.
You need to give yourself permission to figure out who YOU are, what YOU want to do and be. What makes you happy?
This is done by taking the stories of your past (good and bad) and creating new empowering stories. Since you can’t change them, you need to set healthy boundaries that tell you where you end and the people around you begin.
Others will continue to play a role in your existence, but their addiction won’t direct the course of your life. Lagniappe would be that they begin to work on themselves as well.
I’ve given you a few things to think about and I have assignments for you.
First, I’d like you to go outside and find what I call a token. This can be a feather, a flower petal; something that was a part of a living thing and has died to make way for a new beginning.
A feather is molted before new feathers come; a flower loses its petals before new flowers are formed. Every time you feel life taking you down, look at it, feel it.
Remember it was once part of a whole; now new life begins. Appreciate yourself, treat yourself with kindness, define your personal boundaries, recognize the person you are.
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Join me for a BEYOND Discovery Session